love

A few evenings ago I was watching 7th Heaven and they were talking about love. The need to be able to love yourself before you can really love in a relationship. It is not good to depend on other people for love. I'm not saying that you don't need love from other people....because I think you do...but just not to depend completely on it. I don't believe that loving yourself means that you should never be upset with yourself. God loves us so much, but he still can't stand many of the things we do. Sometimes the people I love drive me crazy. I don't care what they do though....I will still love them. Often, in fact, it's the people I love that let me down the most.
It also talked about figuring out what your dreams are and going for it.....not to get sidetracked by things that won't really matter. Don't give up your dreams for a relationship but maybe bring the two together. When the people I love support me in my dreams it couldn't make me happier. I'm really blessed to have so many people in my life that love me and support me and in turn help me to love myself.

trust and forgivness

I was having a really good talk with a friend the other day. I was telling him that I couldn't believe how stupid I have been in the past. He told me that I can't beat myself up over this forever. That stuck with me. Am I just beating myself up? I know I have made mistakes and now because of it I really can't trust myself. What if I, once again, think I am making a right decision and it turns out to be wrong. I'm so scared. Is this a forgiveness issue? Should I just forgive myself for screwing up and move on.....but then I still have the same trust issue. I just don't trust myself. One day I will be faced with another major decision and what if I won't be able to make it. I'm kind of confused.....actually I'm really confused. I don't even really know what I'm thinking. Some days I think I have everything figured out.....but I don't. I know I don't. I'm just a scared little girl.....

nice people

This morning before I left for school I was trying to bum a dollar off someone in my family. I needed it to park. My little brother finally found four quarters and gave them to me. Anyway, I was at school and just about to put my money into the machine when a car pulled up beside me. The guy inside it said something so I turned around. He had a parking pass for the day and he told me I could have it. I was just getting my four quarters out to give it to him when he said I didn't have to pay him, that he was leaving and had no use for it. People like that are so cool. They just brighten my day. It wasn't a huge thing but still appreciated. Now I won't have to ask my little brother for a dollar next time I have a class.

overwhelmed

I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. Even though I love school it is so much work. I hardly have time for anything else except school and work. There is so much other stuff happening but I'm not able to sort through it because my mind is in chemistry mode. I can't think......it feels as though I am simply just existing. I've always gotten tired easily and so now I am just exhausted all the time. It's beginning to get so I can't even concentrate on my school work....and it's only september. I'm going to need to figure out a way to balance out my life and still get everything done. Sometimes I just feel like crying and I don't really have a reason except for the fact that life is so overwhelming. I love being busy but this is just crazy. I'm sure I'll get used to it....this is just a transitional phase or something. I'm not sad or depressed or angry, just overwhelmed.......so I suppose it's not really that bad.

street church

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! That was so awesome! I just got back from street church and it was so perfect. I don't know why I didn't go before this. The freedom.....dancing and jumping and singing. It was simply amazing. I didn't know if I would dance cuz I'm pretty shy and stuff but once I got up there I couldn't stop. Maybe one day I'll sing....you never know. I already can't wait till the next street church. I've never been there before but I over heard other people talking about how much it has grown. That's so cool. Well that's enough of my rant tonite. I'm tired....but I don't know if I will be able to sleep.

being silly

I was just reading a couple of blogs that have to do with being silly. It got me thinking that sometimes life gets to me in certain ways and it makes it really hard to be silly. The last couple of years life got too serious for me. It was hard to laugh and just be a silly kid. It still is hard because I'm not used to it anymore. I know I'm not a kid anymore but I don't think that means I can't act like one sometimes. Whenever it used to pour down rain my sister and I would run down to the end of the street in our bare feet acting like freaks the whole way. It was so much fun. We haven't done that in a long time but I think it's time to get back at it. I read somewhere that the older people get the fewer times a day they laugh. I think that's really sad. I guess, like me, life just gets too serious for them. I am a nanny and I look after five kids ranging in ages from 3 to 16. The youngest one usually can't stop laughing while the oldest one doesn't laugh more than a couple times a day. In this way, we need to get our youth back. We need to laugh more and maybe even cry more too. We need to be silly and do spontaneous things. We just need to be ourselves.

my brother

When my brother and I were kids I don't think we did anything but fight. My mom would say that one day I would love my brother and we would be friends but I swore I would hate him forever. Well, it seems as though my mom was right. As my brother and I went into highschool we started to tolerate eachother. We had the same group of friends so we were forced to spend a lot of time together. As we grew older we became quite close. A little while ago I moved out for a year. I have sinced moved back home but he has been away at camp all summer. I actually found that I really miss him. He comes home for the weekend once in a while and I always look forward to it. He has become a really good friend. One of our favorite things to do together is drive around in his car with the music cranked singing at the top of our lungs. We like so many of the same things and we have some of the same friends as well. And one of the things I admire the most about him is that he can always make me laugh. Of course we have our "debates" but we've kind of agreed to disagree in certain areas. When I tell my mom that my brother is now one of my best friends she just looks at me and smiles. She always reminds me of when I would say I would hate him forever. And when she used to say that one day I would love him.

church

I went to an all church thing in the park last nite. It was okay I guess but it made me realize even more how great my church is. I love the kind of music we have. I like seeing the musicians jumping around and just having a blast. The "sermons" are not boring at New Heights and they always seem to be exactly what I need to hear. Scott is so convinced of what he is saying and you can tell that God is speaking through him. I also love the fact that our pastors are real people. They go through hard times just like the rest of us and are not afraid to make it known. I've never felt comfortable talking with a pastor before I came to New Heights because it never felt like they could understand me. I love the people at my church as well because they are so real. They don't hide behind a mask when they come to church; they come just as they are. I think we are so blessed to have a church like this that we can go to.

me

I've often wondered how it feels to be different from me. Like the first snow fall of the winter. I get so excited I almost cry. I wonder if other people feel this way too; maybe not about snow but about other things. Do other people get that same tingling in their scalp when something really touches them. And do other people get so happy that they feel like shouting and running and jumping around in circles. Am I the only one that gets completely amazed everytime they hear that song, "make a joyful noise" (i think that's what it is called). Or maybe it's another song that does it for them. Do other people actually feel God hug them. If you don't it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It makes me cry sometimes. I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be different from me.It seems like something too difficult to explain. I love being me. Even though it is sometimes really hard I wouldn't trade being me for the world.

thoughts

I was on my way to school the other day and a song came into my head that i haven't heard for many years. I know God sent it to me for a reason. Here it is:

In his time, In his time,
He makes all things beautiful
In his time
Lord, please show me everyday
As you're teaching me your way
That you do just what you say
In your time

And then I was reading susan's blog and I came upon something else that seemed to be speaking right to me. Here it is:

"...we learn, but also our roots drive firmer, deeper. I was just reading the other day, that in the old days, those who built great ships climbed to the tops of hills to choose a tree to be a mast, then they cut down all the trees around it, so the wind would blow full force against it. Then it's roots would have to drive down deep, so that it could stand tall in the wind. It also, standing alone, received full benefits unhindered, full sun, full rain, full nutrients from the ground. It grew taller and stronger than it would have normally, and because it was conditioned by the wind, it was fully prepared to hold the sail as it is filled with the wind in all it's glory..."

I had a friend call me an angel the other day, (actually, it changed to a grocery angel, but still an angel). It kept a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I'm realizing that things like that are really special and i need to put them into my heart and cherish them.

Sometimes it seems like everything is just coming at me and it will never stop. I'm not talking about just bad things here but things in general. I have some amazing things happening in my life too. But I am starting to realize that the bad things will make me stonger and that God isn't finished with me yet. And the good things make it all worth it.

sorry

I had a different entry here previously but after reading a comment I realized that I shouldn't have written what I did. I'm not very good at saying what I'm thinking and I guess it just came out wrong. I never meant to hurt anybody or for anyone to get the wrong idea. I've been hearing some rumors lately and it really hurts.....i'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't have anyone I can really talk to....who's been through some of the same things as me. I feel like my happy ending was taken away from me and I'm finding it very difficult to trust anyone. I think I'm dealing with this in the wrong way but I have no clue how else to go about it.