overwhelmed

I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. Even though I love school it is so much work. I hardly have time for anything else except school and work. There is so much other stuff happening but I'm not able to sort through it because my mind is in chemistry mode. I can't think......it feels as though I am simply just existing. I've always gotten tired easily and so now I am just exhausted all the time. It's beginning to get so I can't even concentrate on my school work....and it's only september. I'm going to need to figure out a way to balance out my life and still get everything done. Sometimes I just feel like crying and I don't really have a reason except for the fact that life is so overwhelming. I love being busy but this is just crazy. I'm sure I'll get used to it....this is just a transitional phase or something. I'm not sad or depressed or angry, just overwhelmed.......so I suppose it's not really that bad.

street church

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! That was so awesome! I just got back from street church and it was so perfect. I don't know why I didn't go before this. The freedom.....dancing and jumping and singing. It was simply amazing. I didn't know if I would dance cuz I'm pretty shy and stuff but once I got up there I couldn't stop. Maybe one day I'll sing....you never know. I already can't wait till the next street church. I've never been there before but I over heard other people talking about how much it has grown. That's so cool. Well that's enough of my rant tonite. I'm tired....but I don't know if I will be able to sleep.

being silly

I was just reading a couple of blogs that have to do with being silly. It got me thinking that sometimes life gets to me in certain ways and it makes it really hard to be silly. The last couple of years life got too serious for me. It was hard to laugh and just be a silly kid. It still is hard because I'm not used to it anymore. I know I'm not a kid anymore but I don't think that means I can't act like one sometimes. Whenever it used to pour down rain my sister and I would run down to the end of the street in our bare feet acting like freaks the whole way. It was so much fun. We haven't done that in a long time but I think it's time to get back at it. I read somewhere that the older people get the fewer times a day they laugh. I think that's really sad. I guess, like me, life just gets too serious for them. I am a nanny and I look after five kids ranging in ages from 3 to 16. The youngest one usually can't stop laughing while the oldest one doesn't laugh more than a couple times a day. In this way, we need to get our youth back. We need to laugh more and maybe even cry more too. We need to be silly and do spontaneous things. We just need to be ourselves.

my brother

When my brother and I were kids I don't think we did anything but fight. My mom would say that one day I would love my brother and we would be friends but I swore I would hate him forever. Well, it seems as though my mom was right. As my brother and I went into highschool we started to tolerate eachother. We had the same group of friends so we were forced to spend a lot of time together. As we grew older we became quite close. A little while ago I moved out for a year. I have sinced moved back home but he has been away at camp all summer. I actually found that I really miss him. He comes home for the weekend once in a while and I always look forward to it. He has become a really good friend. One of our favorite things to do together is drive around in his car with the music cranked singing at the top of our lungs. We like so many of the same things and we have some of the same friends as well. And one of the things I admire the most about him is that he can always make me laugh. Of course we have our "debates" but we've kind of agreed to disagree in certain areas. When I tell my mom that my brother is now one of my best friends she just looks at me and smiles. She always reminds me of when I would say I would hate him forever. And when she used to say that one day I would love him.

church

I went to an all church thing in the park last nite. It was okay I guess but it made me realize even more how great my church is. I love the kind of music we have. I like seeing the musicians jumping around and just having a blast. The "sermons" are not boring at New Heights and they always seem to be exactly what I need to hear. Scott is so convinced of what he is saying and you can tell that God is speaking through him. I also love the fact that our pastors are real people. They go through hard times just like the rest of us and are not afraid to make it known. I've never felt comfortable talking with a pastor before I came to New Heights because it never felt like they could understand me. I love the people at my church as well because they are so real. They don't hide behind a mask when they come to church; they come just as they are. I think we are so blessed to have a church like this that we can go to.

me

I've often wondered how it feels to be different from me. Like the first snow fall of the winter. I get so excited I almost cry. I wonder if other people feel this way too; maybe not about snow but about other things. Do other people get that same tingling in their scalp when something really touches them. And do other people get so happy that they feel like shouting and running and jumping around in circles. Am I the only one that gets completely amazed everytime they hear that song, "make a joyful noise" (i think that's what it is called). Or maybe it's another song that does it for them. Do other people actually feel God hug them. If you don't it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It makes me cry sometimes. I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be different from me.It seems like something too difficult to explain. I love being me. Even though it is sometimes really hard I wouldn't trade being me for the world.

thoughts

I was on my way to school the other day and a song came into my head that i haven't heard for many years. I know God sent it to me for a reason. Here it is:

In his time, In his time,
He makes all things beautiful
In his time
Lord, please show me everyday
As you're teaching me your way
That you do just what you say
In your time

And then I was reading susan's blog and I came upon something else that seemed to be speaking right to me. Here it is:

"...we learn, but also our roots drive firmer, deeper. I was just reading the other day, that in the old days, those who built great ships climbed to the tops of hills to choose a tree to be a mast, then they cut down all the trees around it, so the wind would blow full force against it. Then it's roots would have to drive down deep, so that it could stand tall in the wind. It also, standing alone, received full benefits unhindered, full sun, full rain, full nutrients from the ground. It grew taller and stronger than it would have normally, and because it was conditioned by the wind, it was fully prepared to hold the sail as it is filled with the wind in all it's glory..."

I had a friend call me an angel the other day, (actually, it changed to a grocery angel, but still an angel). It kept a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I'm realizing that things like that are really special and i need to put them into my heart and cherish them.

Sometimes it seems like everything is just coming at me and it will never stop. I'm not talking about just bad things here but things in general. I have some amazing things happening in my life too. But I am starting to realize that the bad things will make me stonger and that God isn't finished with me yet. And the good things make it all worth it.

sorry

I had a different entry here previously but after reading a comment I realized that I shouldn't have written what I did. I'm not very good at saying what I'm thinking and I guess it just came out wrong. I never meant to hurt anybody or for anyone to get the wrong idea. I've been hearing some rumors lately and it really hurts.....i'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't have anyone I can really talk to....who's been through some of the same things as me. I feel like my happy ending was taken away from me and I'm finding it very difficult to trust anyone. I think I'm dealing with this in the wrong way but I have no clue how else to go about it.

playland

I went to playland with some of my friends yesterday. My two brothers came along too. It was so much fun!!!! I went on some rides I have never been on before. I was really scared but it turned out not being that bad at all. My youngest brother had never really been to an ammusment park before. On the way home he said that it was one of the best days he has ever had. I told him it was because my friends are the most fun people in the world......he agreed with me. And hey.....we were at playland!!! I love days where I can just have fun....where nothing else really seems to matter.

in the way

I moved back in with my parents a few months ago after living away from them for over a year. I really enjoy being back and it is way better then my previous situation but it sometimes feel like I am just in the way. They don't really have the room for me so I am in with my sister and so that gives her way less room. It doesn't really seem like my place. It feels like I am living on charity or something. I feel horrible everytime I need to ask for a favour and it never used to be like that. I was talking with a friend recently who moves around a lot. He said it usually takes five or six months for him to settle down in a place and feel at home. I'm just hoping that is what happens with me too. I could live on my own but then my student loan would be twice as much as it needs to be. I guess I'll just see what happens. I love having my family around me, I guess it's just that I'm not used to it and neither are they.

society

I've always thought it kinda dumb that in this society married women are never supposed to be good friends with a man. If there is nothing sexual about the relationship what harm can it do. Actually, I can't say I've always thought about it. Up until a couple of years ago I never really gave it much thought. But then it happened to me. One of my best friends is a guy. I love being with him, just talking and hanging out. But apparently, this is impossible without having sexual feelings for him. This is what society teaches us. I don't happen to agree with it at all. I have been riddiculed and even disowned because of this. The guy I am talking about has had to live with all this crap too. People have thrown Bible verses at us that supposidly tell us we are wrong. The funny thing is that these Bible verses don't have any thing to do with this situation. So it seems as though even God himself agrees with me. I don't want to ruin an amazing friendship just because everyone thinks it is the right thing to do. I refuse to! I have been thinking about this a lot the past year or so and last night I was out and this actually came up. And you know what.........every single person there agreed with me. It was amazing!!! My friends and I are not alone in feeling the way we do. Other people struggle with the same thing. If there was ever a tiny doubt in my mind it is definately gone now.

birthday

I've always felt kind of sorry for the people out there that dread their birthday's. Maybe they don't like the attention or maybe it brings back bad memories, I don't know. I've always loved my birthday and today was no exception. It's a day I look forward to all year; well, that and christmas. The thing that makes me the happiest is when the people I care about make me feel like I'm important to them. That always happens on my birthday, and other days too, but for sure on my birthday. I had my three best friends over tonite and we had so much fun. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. We ate cake and played games. I had a lot of fun just being with them. Nobody can make me laugh harder then they can. You know the kind when your stomach hurts and you almost start crying.......it was great.

kiya

I have to put Kiya down in a couple days. It is going to be so hard.....it is already hard. I've had her for three years. When I was younger I would write "puppy" on every single one of my birthday and christmas lists. I would circle it and put a huge star by it so everyone would know that a puppy was what I wanted most in the whole world. Then, a couple of weeks before my 19th birthday, I got home from work and there was a little black puppy under one of the tables in our living room. I fell in love with her immediately and decided to name her Kiya. She was terrible as a puppy, constantly getting into trouble. She chewed the noses off any stuffed animals I left lying around, but I still loved her.It didn't get better until she turned two. There was a time when I had to fight just to keep her. I had to find her a different home for a while and I thank that family (you know who you are) for taking her in and loving her. Now, a year later, I have to put her down. She has cancer, she has for a while, but now it is getting a lot worse. I hate to put her down but I just can't see her suffer any more. She has been a great dog and I've had so many good times with her and I will miss her so much, but it is time.....

just thanks

...for we only see sunshine
if we can wait through the rain

It seems like everything bad always happens in bunches. I guess that's kind of a good thing though.....I get it all over with faster. There have definately been times in my life where all I seem to get is rain. I'm actually just at the tail end of one of those times. Even during those hard times though, I could usually see a little bit of sunshine. A kind word from a stranger or an "I love you" from a friend is all it takes. I appreciate it even more now that I'm starting to see the sunshine poking through and it is just amazing. I never appreciate the sun more then when it has been raining for what seems like forever. Things are starting to fall into place and I feel as though I can dream again. It's one of the best feelings in the world. For a while there it seemed like things would never be right again; that I would live with this dark cloud over me forever. It's nice to be able to really smile again, really smile. Thanks to all you who helped to keep the smile on my face.

personalities

I was reading a friends blog the other day and she was writing a bit about personalities and stuff. I found it kind of interesting. There are so many different personalities in the world, mixes of this and that. Sometimes I find that certain things about certain people drive me nuts. I want them to act a certain way (like me) but now that I think about it that would make for a very boring world. I have this friend and certain things about him really bother other people. The funny thing is that those things don't really bother me all that much. I guess it's just how certain personalities fit together. Some people go really well together and other people just clash. It's really cool how God made so many different types of people. Most of my friends aren't anything like me. That's probably one of the reasons why I love them so much. They make life interesting.....I never know what to expect. And also, when I am around people with different personalities a lot I find that I tend to add some of their personality traits to my own. I don't even think about it, it just happens. It's really neat the way it all works.

credit cards

I applied for a credit card a few days ago and I just found out that I was denied. They said they would send me a reason in the mail. I don't see why they couldn't just write the reason when they wrote that I was denied. So dumb. What they don't realize is that people that don't make a lot of money have more need for a credit card than people who do. I suppose they have some reason why I'm not good enough but that doesn't mean I can't find it stupid. Anyway, that's enough venting. It's not really that important. I just want to be able to establish a good credit rating. I guess I'll just have to keep trying.

thoughts

If you see something you want
And do not do everything in your
power to reach for it
You are basically just slapping
life in the face

As long as God agrees with me of course. But sometimes I don't know what God wants. It would be nice if he had this loud speaker and everytime I have a question he would blare the answer in my ear. Sometimes I think that God agrees with me but how am I to be sure. I mean people always say, "look in the Bible." Well, I'm sorry but the Bible does not answer every question in the world. It deals with many things but there are some things it does not mention. Like what school to go to or who to marry or what to do about my dog. I guess that's why people make so many mistakes. There have been times where I thought I was right but it turned out that I wasn't. It's just so confusing. I know that God won't leave me in the dust though, so even when I do make another mistake I know he will be there to brush me off and set me straight again.

cars

I got a car recently which is good news. The bad thing though, is that it sat for so long that the shop had to work out a whole bunch of kinks. They say the engine is in really good shape though and for now the rest of it is running pretty good. When I go somewhere after dark I can't see where I'm going because the dash light doesn't work. Also, I'm kinda lucky I haven't gotten into an accident yet because my front signals don't work. I need to get these things fixed. I kinda want to do it myself though because taking it into the shop for something so small is kind of a waste of time and money. So if anyone knows how to do this and has the time to give me a hand that would be really great. I love my little car even though it has given me countless problems. I see it kind of as an adventure. I never know what it is going to do next. Today on the way to work one of the windshield wiper blades flew off. It was kinda funny!!! At least I don't have to say that I have a dull and boring life (or a dull and boring car for that matter) because that would definately not be true.

friends

I went out to Maple Ridge today to hang out with one of my friends. We've been friends for a really long time and when we were little we were together all the time. If we had to be away from each other for any length of time it was torture. I haven't seen her a alot for the past couple of years but now we're starting to make more of an effort to get together. In a relationship, it doesn't matter what kind, if you don't make any kind of an effort to keep it together it will eventually die. I've been doing a lot of learning the past couple years. It's been difficult but definately worth it. I couldn't have learned the things I did any other way. Any friend that builds you up is definately worth your while. And sometimes there can be times when you maybe don't like your friends very much but that to will pass. I read this thing a long time ago that says something like this: some friends are there for a season to teach you something you need to learn or to help you through a tough spot and then there are friends that are there for a lifetime. It doesn't go exactly like that but maybe you'll get the point. I have many friends that are important to me and I hope that each and every one of them are life-time friends - but if they're not that's okay too.

missing you

I was thinking today.....i know strange isn't it. Is it really possible to miss someone that you see all the time. What if they really change and you just don't feel that you know them anymore. Maybe they used to really love you and really seem to care what happens in your life and now it seems as if they don't care. Maybe they have a reason.....I'm just not sure what it is. Best friends don't just happen every day. And it kills when you feel that everything is slipping away. Maybe the word isn't "missing" but I can't think of another word to put in. It could be that I just read into things to much and my mind just gets carried away. I'm sure everything will turn out all right.....I just hate waiting. And to all you out there who think I'm talking about you......most likely I'm not. I'm just rambling.