quiet

I just got back from the christmas eve service at my church. The house is so quiet...my family isn't home quite yet. I came in the door and my dog greeted me but there was no talking, no singing, no nothing. Something I'm not quite used to but nice just the same. The day has been filled with so much hustle and craziness. Shopping to do....cookies to bake....presents to wrap....and now it's just quiet. For a few more minutes....then my sister will dance in the door and my brothers will come in laughing about something. My parents will follow. We'll hang the stockings, probably make apple cider, and watch a christmas movie. Christmas the way I know it will begin....I like the quiet that is right now....but at the same time I can't wait!

traditions

I've just been thinking about how many christmas traditions my family has....and we don't even have near as many as we used to. Some have died out over the past year or so. One of these is advent. Every night we would shut off all the lights in the house and light the appropriate number of candles on our advent wreath. We read a Bible verse and then we each got to pick a christmas song to sing. My brother would pick Deck the Halls every single night, every single year. We got so sick of it. Now laugh as we look back on it. It was fun. Now we're lucky if we do advent once a week. Everyone is just so busy and it is a rare night that everyone is at home. On christmas eve when we get home from church we always watch The Muppet Christmas Carol. Then we get all of our blankets and drag them into the living room because that is where we sleep. In the morning the first one to wake up wakes everyone else up. We dig into our stockings but we can't open any presents till our parents get up...we can't wake them till 6:00am. Although I'm sure they wake up when we do because we don't exactly try to be quiet. My parents don't put names on our presents....they put a picture or a number. While we are waiting for them to get up we try to figure out the code. I think we've figured it out every year. We have so many more things that we do but I can't think of any right now. I start counting down the days from half way through december but christmas can never come fast enough.

whistler

I went to whistler yesterday with two of my friends. I don't think I've ever had such a lazy day (besides the driving). We didn't have to be anywhere at any time. We just wandered around looking in shops and of course getting lost. I think everytime we needed to find a bathroom it took us half an hour. But it was fun. So relazing. We sat in Starbucks for over an hour just because we didn't have to do anything else. After supper as we were walking back to the car the snow flakes were huge....and it was beautiful. It had been snowing all day but these flakes were just awesome. We were trying to catch them with our tongues. Such a good day...

more snow

IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!! Just thought I would let everyone know. I just came in from outside. My fingers are so cold I can hardly type. But who cares. IT"S SNOWING!!

some Lord of the Rings

It's all wrong
By rights we shouldn't even be here
But we are
It's like in the great stories
The ones that really mattered
Full of darkness and danger they were
And sometimes you didn't want to know the end
Because how could the end be happy
How could the world go back to the way it was
But in the end it's only a passing thing
Even darkness must pass
And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer
Those where the stories that stayed with you
Even if you were too small to understand why
I think I do understand
The folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't
They kept going
Because they were holding onto something
That there's some good in this world
And it's worth fighting for

school

I've been thinking about school a lot lately. I want to be a nurse, but then so do many other people. I know it's going to be hard to get into a nursing program without waiting. I'm going to put an application into UCFV because I would like to do it there. It's close and cheap. Two good things. But I've been thinking that I should send my application to other schools as well. I looked at the SFU website and I don't think they have a nursing program. At least I couldn't find it if they do. I do not want to go to UBC. It is way to big for me. As I was looking around different website I came across a school in Kamloops that offers the nursing program I need. I don't really want to move that far away but if I can't get into UCFV and I do get accepted at this Kamloops university I may have no choice. I want to get my schooling finished. I would rather not be sitting on a waiting list for a couple of years. That wouldn't really accomplish a whole lot. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm still just in the thinking and planning stage. But I'm going to need to start applying soon.

snow

I love snow. I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will. Everytime it snows I always remember back to something that happened when I was a lot younger. I think I was about six and my brother four. We were in our room fighting, which was nothing all that unusual. I guess we stopped to catch our breath or something because we heard a droor open in the kitchen. Of course we assumed that since we were fighting it must be the one with the wooden spoon in it. Even though we never got spanked for fighting I guess we didn't think about that. So then we had something new to fight about. "You're going to get a spanking. No, you're going to get a spanking. No you are. NO YOU ARE!!!" Then came the dreaded, "Melody and Luke, come out here." We stopped our fighting and slowly walked out to the kitchen. As we came in my mom looked at us and said, "look guys, it's snowing!" I don't think I'd ever been so relieved in my life.
One of my friends and I always phone eachother every winter at the first sight of snow. She used to live in Matsqui so I would always phone her and brag that we had snow and they didn't. I think she is the only other person I know who loves snow as much as I do.
One year I was out doing work experience when it started to snow. I was with a lady who hated the snow which kind of put a damper on it but I was so excited I didn't really care.
And then there was the time when I was with one of the little girls that I babysit. This time it was spring and there was a lot of pollen floating in the air. She looked up at the sky and with a huge smile on her face said, "it's snowing!" I thought that was kind of cute.
I guess maybe one of the reasons I love snow so much is that it brings back so many good memories. I used to live in Ontario and so for a good quarter of the year snow was my life. I remember getting all dressed up in warm clothes and sliding down the patio stairs on our sled. I remember my brother and I making a snow slide and not letting anyone else on it. I remember the fancy patterns the ice used to make on the insides of our windows. I also remember the time I licked an icicle and my tongue got stuck to it. I was so suprised I just ripped it off. That's maybe not such a good memory but it makes me laugh. Anyway, enough on the snow. I could go on forever...

life

I haven't written anything in a while. It's not that there is nothing going on....that is far from the truth. I just don't want to blog about it. I am having a problem with understanding one of my friends. She is kind of upset about something and I don't know what to do because I don't think I did anything wrong. It still bothers me though because I hate to see her upset. And then of course some of my other friends get dragged into it (it has to do with them as well) and it becomes this big problem. Maybe eventually things will settle down and everything will become okay again....maybe one day life will return to normal. But I don't think so. I was talking with a friend the other day and she asked me if I thought life would ever go back to the way it was. I said no it wouldn't....too much has happened....we've all changed...but it can become good. Actually, life is good right now....just hard.

change

I was talking with one of my best friends yesterday and she said that I have changed a lot lately. I asked her how and she said she didn't know.....but if she figured it out she'd let me know. I was kind of worried so I asked if it was a bad change....apparently not. Anyway, then I went out with another friend and I asked him if he had noticed a change in me. He said not really. But then after sitting and thinking about it for a while he said that lately I have gotten more of a backbone. I guess I stand up for myself more or something. I guess that's just one more thing that I've adopted into my personality in order to cope better. I don't think it's a bad thing though. It's important to be able to stand up for yourself. Now that I think about it, I never used to be able to. Maybe in a few ways I'm finally growing up.....taking care of myself.....not getting others to do it for me.

changing oil

I changed the oil in my car today. My dad just told me what to do and I did it. Not only was it cold, but it was also raining and nearly dark. I'm quite proud of myself, even though I did get oil all over the driveway. I just decided I needed to learn to do some things on my own. It was actually just kind of fun. Anyway, I guess I just thought I'd brag a bit.

why worry

There has been something that's been bothering me for an extremely long time. Years in fact. It's a situation that is just completely out of my control. I just realized that there is nothing I can do about it. So why worry?? Yeah, i know it's not that simple, but I'm going to try. So any of you out there that know me.....if you ever see me sitting still with a blank look on my face tell me to smarten up. I promise I won't get mad.

body wash

I was having a bath today and for some reason I was reading the directions on my body wash. I started to laugh immediately because it wasn't quite like the other directions you read. You know how most directions say too much. Like the company thinks you are an idiot or something. Well, if an idiot bought this body wash I don't think they would no quite what to do.

Directions: Apply to a wet body sponge or washcloth. Work into a rich lather and rinse thoroughly.

Notice it doesn't say anything about putting the body wash onto your body. I guess it's a good thing I'm not stupid or something.
So yeah, I just thought that was funny.

music

I went to my sister's music concert last nite. Most of it was kind of boring but I found that I really miss being up there performing. I saw my sister up on stage singing and playing her tuba and remembered when that was me, except that I didn't play the tuba. When I was in high school I took as many music classes as I could fit into my time table, as well as all of the extra ciricular ones. And although I loved the classes the concerts were the best! Music was such a huge part of my life for so long and now that it isn't so much I miss it. I still sing in the car or when my mom plays the piano and I still bring out my guitar and my saxophone every once in a while but it's not quite the same. On father's day my sister, my dad, and I sang a song at my parent's church. I was so nervous because I had a little solo but I loved every moment of it. We're going to sing another song or two at christmas so I'm looking forward to that too. It's not the same though. Music isn't every aspect of my life as it once was. I think I'm just being lazy and/or scared.....in school I pretty much had music fed to me. Now I have to work for it and actually make time to do it.

ha ha ha

I had the funniest thing happen the other day. Actually, more than one. I was at school and I had just gotten to my class when I realized I had locked my keys in my car. I was just trying to figure out what to do when one of my friends walked in. I told her what I had done. She suggested I look in my wallet to see if I had an extra key. Luckily I did have an extra key. I don't know why I didn't think of that myself. I was the one who put the key in there in the first place. Well anyway, after class was over I went out to my car, got in, and started to leave the parking lot. The lady in front of me stopped and got out of her car. She seemed to be trying to tell me something. So I unrolled my window and she said that my binder was on top of my car. So then I had to get out of my car to get my binder while the girl behind me was laughing. I was kind of embarrased but it was funny too. What a day!! I guess it was just one of those blonde moments.
When I said that I got embarrased that reminded me of something one of my friends did. He walked into work and his manager and the area manager was there. They were talking for a while when the area manager mentioned that my friends fly was down. He just laughed and said some smart comment about putting on a show for them or something. If that had been me I would have been so embarrased!!

screwing up

I don't know about you, but I hate being reminded of those many times where I have screwed up. I have this one friend in particular who just loves to remind me of such things. I guess it's not all bad. It keeps me humble. We get in these talks sometimes and very often I feel like screaming, "I know I screwed up, just leave me alone!!!!" But this friend also knows what I need the most and when I need it, even if I don't know myself. It's kinda creepy sometimes. The other day it was just a phone call asking how my thanksgiving was. But I really needed that phone call. I was having such a bad day and just knowing that someone out there cares how I'm doing enough to phone me cheered me up a bit. I don't know why God felt that I deserved such amazing friends but I'm sure glad he did. Yes, sometimes they tell me things I don't want to hear and it hurts, but very often it's what I need to hear the most.

wups

Yeah I know my blog is screwed up right now. I tried to add more links and I guess I did something wrong. And Susy isn't home right now to help me. It will be fixed soon.

brokenness

I was just reading a bunch of blogs and there seemed to be a central theme running through many of them. Brokenness. I think God is trying to tell me something. Everyone has hard times. Everyone's heart breaks. And everyone feels helpless at times. Maybe it hasn't really happened to some people yet but don't worry.....it will. I'm in a sort of healing process right now. Maybe I'm not quite there actually. Maybe I'm still in the breaking process. It still hurts, I can't do anything about that. But what I can do something about is how I handle it. I can dig myself a deep hole and crawl into it or I can allow God to shape me into what he has had planned all along. I can hold onto God's hand and allow him to lead me through this with my head held high. I'm having a hard time convincing myself of this even as I am writing. I don't want to be hurt again and the easiest thing to do would be to crawl into that hole. I can't......I know that. But it is so hard.

dreams

I had the most horrible dream last night. Suzy and I were at Tim Hortons and she wasn't able to eat very well. I could tell something was wrong but she just kept denying it. Finally, she said that she had this rare disease that would kill her. I started crying and so did she. For some reason Susan (P) had her office in Tim Hortons and Suzy and I went to sit outside it and talk because someone else was in there. Finally, Suzy went in to talk to Susan and I walked home crying the whole way. The dream is kind of starting to fade. I remembered a lot more of it this morning and it was even more horrible then.
And what really sucks is that I also had a really good dream but I don't remember it at all. I just remember that it was absolutely amazing!!

in this place

God loves to look at us, and loves it when we
will look back at him. Even when we try to
run away from our troubles...God will find us,
bless us, even when we feel most alone, unsure...
God will find a way to let us know that he is with
us in this place, wherever we are.
- Kathleen Norris

What an encouraging quote. God thinks we are beautiful. He never gets tired of looking at us. And he will find us where ever we happen to be. I just read this on a calender that I have and it filled me with a sense of being loved. I'm sharing it hoping that it will do the same for you.

wonder

Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive - it's such an interesting world. It wouldn't be half so interesting if we knew all about everything.
I was thinking the other day how fun it is to learn new things. I'm so glad God made the world so complicated and wonderful. I'm in school right now and learning all sorts of new stuff I had never really given any thought to before. Like do you know why food goes bad? I do! Do you know why people tend to listen to authority? I'm just getting into that right now and I can't wait to find out. I am planning on becoming a nurse....just think about what I will be able to do....and know. And learning isn't just what they print in text books. There is so much that God can teach me just by letting me be alive. He is the one after all, who made what is written in all those books. I can learn how to love and be free. I can learn how much God loves me. And he can teach me how to trust and forgive again.

songs

So you go and make it happen
Do your best
Just keep on laughing
I'm telling you
There's always a brand new day
.....Avril Lavigne

Why can't you see that freedom
Is sometimes simply another
perspective away
.....Kutless

Just a couple of words from some songs I really like.

love

A few evenings ago I was watching 7th Heaven and they were talking about love. The need to be able to love yourself before you can really love in a relationship. It is not good to depend on other people for love. I'm not saying that you don't need love from other people....because I think you do...but just not to depend completely on it. I don't believe that loving yourself means that you should never be upset with yourself. God loves us so much, but he still can't stand many of the things we do. Sometimes the people I love drive me crazy. I don't care what they do though....I will still love them. Often, in fact, it's the people I love that let me down the most.
It also talked about figuring out what your dreams are and going for it.....not to get sidetracked by things that won't really matter. Don't give up your dreams for a relationship but maybe bring the two together. When the people I love support me in my dreams it couldn't make me happier. I'm really blessed to have so many people in my life that love me and support me and in turn help me to love myself.

trust and forgivness

I was having a really good talk with a friend the other day. I was telling him that I couldn't believe how stupid I have been in the past. He told me that I can't beat myself up over this forever. That stuck with me. Am I just beating myself up? I know I have made mistakes and now because of it I really can't trust myself. What if I, once again, think I am making a right decision and it turns out to be wrong. I'm so scared. Is this a forgiveness issue? Should I just forgive myself for screwing up and move on.....but then I still have the same trust issue. I just don't trust myself. One day I will be faced with another major decision and what if I won't be able to make it. I'm kind of confused.....actually I'm really confused. I don't even really know what I'm thinking. Some days I think I have everything figured out.....but I don't. I know I don't. I'm just a scared little girl.....

nice people

This morning before I left for school I was trying to bum a dollar off someone in my family. I needed it to park. My little brother finally found four quarters and gave them to me. Anyway, I was at school and just about to put my money into the machine when a car pulled up beside me. The guy inside it said something so I turned around. He had a parking pass for the day and he told me I could have it. I was just getting my four quarters out to give it to him when he said I didn't have to pay him, that he was leaving and had no use for it. People like that are so cool. They just brighten my day. It wasn't a huge thing but still appreciated. Now I won't have to ask my little brother for a dollar next time I have a class.

overwhelmed

I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. Even though I love school it is so much work. I hardly have time for anything else except school and work. There is so much other stuff happening but I'm not able to sort through it because my mind is in chemistry mode. I can't think......it feels as though I am simply just existing. I've always gotten tired easily and so now I am just exhausted all the time. It's beginning to get so I can't even concentrate on my school work....and it's only september. I'm going to need to figure out a way to balance out my life and still get everything done. Sometimes I just feel like crying and I don't really have a reason except for the fact that life is so overwhelming. I love being busy but this is just crazy. I'm sure I'll get used to it....this is just a transitional phase or something. I'm not sad or depressed or angry, just overwhelmed.......so I suppose it's not really that bad.

street church

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! That was so awesome! I just got back from street church and it was so perfect. I don't know why I didn't go before this. The freedom.....dancing and jumping and singing. It was simply amazing. I didn't know if I would dance cuz I'm pretty shy and stuff but once I got up there I couldn't stop. Maybe one day I'll sing....you never know. I already can't wait till the next street church. I've never been there before but I over heard other people talking about how much it has grown. That's so cool. Well that's enough of my rant tonite. I'm tired....but I don't know if I will be able to sleep.

being silly

I was just reading a couple of blogs that have to do with being silly. It got me thinking that sometimes life gets to me in certain ways and it makes it really hard to be silly. The last couple of years life got too serious for me. It was hard to laugh and just be a silly kid. It still is hard because I'm not used to it anymore. I know I'm not a kid anymore but I don't think that means I can't act like one sometimes. Whenever it used to pour down rain my sister and I would run down to the end of the street in our bare feet acting like freaks the whole way. It was so much fun. We haven't done that in a long time but I think it's time to get back at it. I read somewhere that the older people get the fewer times a day they laugh. I think that's really sad. I guess, like me, life just gets too serious for them. I am a nanny and I look after five kids ranging in ages from 3 to 16. The youngest one usually can't stop laughing while the oldest one doesn't laugh more than a couple times a day. In this way, we need to get our youth back. We need to laugh more and maybe even cry more too. We need to be silly and do spontaneous things. We just need to be ourselves.

my brother

When my brother and I were kids I don't think we did anything but fight. My mom would say that one day I would love my brother and we would be friends but I swore I would hate him forever. Well, it seems as though my mom was right. As my brother and I went into highschool we started to tolerate eachother. We had the same group of friends so we were forced to spend a lot of time together. As we grew older we became quite close. A little while ago I moved out for a year. I have sinced moved back home but he has been away at camp all summer. I actually found that I really miss him. He comes home for the weekend once in a while and I always look forward to it. He has become a really good friend. One of our favorite things to do together is drive around in his car with the music cranked singing at the top of our lungs. We like so many of the same things and we have some of the same friends as well. And one of the things I admire the most about him is that he can always make me laugh. Of course we have our "debates" but we've kind of agreed to disagree in certain areas. When I tell my mom that my brother is now one of my best friends she just looks at me and smiles. She always reminds me of when I would say I would hate him forever. And when she used to say that one day I would love him.

church

I went to an all church thing in the park last nite. It was okay I guess but it made me realize even more how great my church is. I love the kind of music we have. I like seeing the musicians jumping around and just having a blast. The "sermons" are not boring at New Heights and they always seem to be exactly what I need to hear. Scott is so convinced of what he is saying and you can tell that God is speaking through him. I also love the fact that our pastors are real people. They go through hard times just like the rest of us and are not afraid to make it known. I've never felt comfortable talking with a pastor before I came to New Heights because it never felt like they could understand me. I love the people at my church as well because they are so real. They don't hide behind a mask when they come to church; they come just as they are. I think we are so blessed to have a church like this that we can go to.

me

I've often wondered how it feels to be different from me. Like the first snow fall of the winter. I get so excited I almost cry. I wonder if other people feel this way too; maybe not about snow but about other things. Do other people get that same tingling in their scalp when something really touches them. And do other people get so happy that they feel like shouting and running and jumping around in circles. Am I the only one that gets completely amazed everytime they hear that song, "make a joyful noise" (i think that's what it is called). Or maybe it's another song that does it for them. Do other people actually feel God hug them. If you don't it's the most amazing feeling in the world. It makes me cry sometimes. I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be different from me.It seems like something too difficult to explain. I love being me. Even though it is sometimes really hard I wouldn't trade being me for the world.

thoughts

I was on my way to school the other day and a song came into my head that i haven't heard for many years. I know God sent it to me for a reason. Here it is:

In his time, In his time,
He makes all things beautiful
In his time
Lord, please show me everyday
As you're teaching me your way
That you do just what you say
In your time

And then I was reading susan's blog and I came upon something else that seemed to be speaking right to me. Here it is:

"...we learn, but also our roots drive firmer, deeper. I was just reading the other day, that in the old days, those who built great ships climbed to the tops of hills to choose a tree to be a mast, then they cut down all the trees around it, so the wind would blow full force against it. Then it's roots would have to drive down deep, so that it could stand tall in the wind. It also, standing alone, received full benefits unhindered, full sun, full rain, full nutrients from the ground. It grew taller and stronger than it would have normally, and because it was conditioned by the wind, it was fully prepared to hold the sail as it is filled with the wind in all it's glory..."

I had a friend call me an angel the other day, (actually, it changed to a grocery angel, but still an angel). It kept a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I'm realizing that things like that are really special and i need to put them into my heart and cherish them.

Sometimes it seems like everything is just coming at me and it will never stop. I'm not talking about just bad things here but things in general. I have some amazing things happening in my life too. But I am starting to realize that the bad things will make me stonger and that God isn't finished with me yet. And the good things make it all worth it.

sorry

I had a different entry here previously but after reading a comment I realized that I shouldn't have written what I did. I'm not very good at saying what I'm thinking and I guess it just came out wrong. I never meant to hurt anybody or for anyone to get the wrong idea. I've been hearing some rumors lately and it really hurts.....i'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't have anyone I can really talk to....who's been through some of the same things as me. I feel like my happy ending was taken away from me and I'm finding it very difficult to trust anyone. I think I'm dealing with this in the wrong way but I have no clue how else to go about it.

playland

I went to playland with some of my friends yesterday. My two brothers came along too. It was so much fun!!!! I went on some rides I have never been on before. I was really scared but it turned out not being that bad at all. My youngest brother had never really been to an ammusment park before. On the way home he said that it was one of the best days he has ever had. I told him it was because my friends are the most fun people in the world......he agreed with me. And hey.....we were at playland!!! I love days where I can just have fun....where nothing else really seems to matter.

in the way

I moved back in with my parents a few months ago after living away from them for over a year. I really enjoy being back and it is way better then my previous situation but it sometimes feel like I am just in the way. They don't really have the room for me so I am in with my sister and so that gives her way less room. It doesn't really seem like my place. It feels like I am living on charity or something. I feel horrible everytime I need to ask for a favour and it never used to be like that. I was talking with a friend recently who moves around a lot. He said it usually takes five or six months for him to settle down in a place and feel at home. I'm just hoping that is what happens with me too. I could live on my own but then my student loan would be twice as much as it needs to be. I guess I'll just see what happens. I love having my family around me, I guess it's just that I'm not used to it and neither are they.

society

I've always thought it kinda dumb that in this society married women are never supposed to be good friends with a man. If there is nothing sexual about the relationship what harm can it do. Actually, I can't say I've always thought about it. Up until a couple of years ago I never really gave it much thought. But then it happened to me. One of my best friends is a guy. I love being with him, just talking and hanging out. But apparently, this is impossible without having sexual feelings for him. This is what society teaches us. I don't happen to agree with it at all. I have been riddiculed and even disowned because of this. The guy I am talking about has had to live with all this crap too. People have thrown Bible verses at us that supposidly tell us we are wrong. The funny thing is that these Bible verses don't have any thing to do with this situation. So it seems as though even God himself agrees with me. I don't want to ruin an amazing friendship just because everyone thinks it is the right thing to do. I refuse to! I have been thinking about this a lot the past year or so and last night I was out and this actually came up. And you know what.........every single person there agreed with me. It was amazing!!! My friends and I are not alone in feeling the way we do. Other people struggle with the same thing. If there was ever a tiny doubt in my mind it is definately gone now.

birthday

I've always felt kind of sorry for the people out there that dread their birthday's. Maybe they don't like the attention or maybe it brings back bad memories, I don't know. I've always loved my birthday and today was no exception. It's a day I look forward to all year; well, that and christmas. The thing that makes me the happiest is when the people I care about make me feel like I'm important to them. That always happens on my birthday, and other days too, but for sure on my birthday. I had my three best friends over tonite and we had so much fun. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. We ate cake and played games. I had a lot of fun just being with them. Nobody can make me laugh harder then they can. You know the kind when your stomach hurts and you almost start crying.......it was great.

kiya

I have to put Kiya down in a couple days. It is going to be so hard.....it is already hard. I've had her for three years. When I was younger I would write "puppy" on every single one of my birthday and christmas lists. I would circle it and put a huge star by it so everyone would know that a puppy was what I wanted most in the whole world. Then, a couple of weeks before my 19th birthday, I got home from work and there was a little black puppy under one of the tables in our living room. I fell in love with her immediately and decided to name her Kiya. She was terrible as a puppy, constantly getting into trouble. She chewed the noses off any stuffed animals I left lying around, but I still loved her.It didn't get better until she turned two. There was a time when I had to fight just to keep her. I had to find her a different home for a while and I thank that family (you know who you are) for taking her in and loving her. Now, a year later, I have to put her down. She has cancer, she has for a while, but now it is getting a lot worse. I hate to put her down but I just can't see her suffer any more. She has been a great dog and I've had so many good times with her and I will miss her so much, but it is time.....

just thanks

...for we only see sunshine
if we can wait through the rain

It seems like everything bad always happens in bunches. I guess that's kind of a good thing though.....I get it all over with faster. There have definately been times in my life where all I seem to get is rain. I'm actually just at the tail end of one of those times. Even during those hard times though, I could usually see a little bit of sunshine. A kind word from a stranger or an "I love you" from a friend is all it takes. I appreciate it even more now that I'm starting to see the sunshine poking through and it is just amazing. I never appreciate the sun more then when it has been raining for what seems like forever. Things are starting to fall into place and I feel as though I can dream again. It's one of the best feelings in the world. For a while there it seemed like things would never be right again; that I would live with this dark cloud over me forever. It's nice to be able to really smile again, really smile. Thanks to all you who helped to keep the smile on my face.

personalities

I was reading a friends blog the other day and she was writing a bit about personalities and stuff. I found it kind of interesting. There are so many different personalities in the world, mixes of this and that. Sometimes I find that certain things about certain people drive me nuts. I want them to act a certain way (like me) but now that I think about it that would make for a very boring world. I have this friend and certain things about him really bother other people. The funny thing is that those things don't really bother me all that much. I guess it's just how certain personalities fit together. Some people go really well together and other people just clash. It's really cool how God made so many different types of people. Most of my friends aren't anything like me. That's probably one of the reasons why I love them so much. They make life interesting.....I never know what to expect. And also, when I am around people with different personalities a lot I find that I tend to add some of their personality traits to my own. I don't even think about it, it just happens. It's really neat the way it all works.

credit cards

I applied for a credit card a few days ago and I just found out that I was denied. They said they would send me a reason in the mail. I don't see why they couldn't just write the reason when they wrote that I was denied. So dumb. What they don't realize is that people that don't make a lot of money have more need for a credit card than people who do. I suppose they have some reason why I'm not good enough but that doesn't mean I can't find it stupid. Anyway, that's enough venting. It's not really that important. I just want to be able to establish a good credit rating. I guess I'll just have to keep trying.

thoughts

If you see something you want
And do not do everything in your
power to reach for it
You are basically just slapping
life in the face

As long as God agrees with me of course. But sometimes I don't know what God wants. It would be nice if he had this loud speaker and everytime I have a question he would blare the answer in my ear. Sometimes I think that God agrees with me but how am I to be sure. I mean people always say, "look in the Bible." Well, I'm sorry but the Bible does not answer every question in the world. It deals with many things but there are some things it does not mention. Like what school to go to or who to marry or what to do about my dog. I guess that's why people make so many mistakes. There have been times where I thought I was right but it turned out that I wasn't. It's just so confusing. I know that God won't leave me in the dust though, so even when I do make another mistake I know he will be there to brush me off and set me straight again.

cars

I got a car recently which is good news. The bad thing though, is that it sat for so long that the shop had to work out a whole bunch of kinks. They say the engine is in really good shape though and for now the rest of it is running pretty good. When I go somewhere after dark I can't see where I'm going because the dash light doesn't work. Also, I'm kinda lucky I haven't gotten into an accident yet because my front signals don't work. I need to get these things fixed. I kinda want to do it myself though because taking it into the shop for something so small is kind of a waste of time and money. So if anyone knows how to do this and has the time to give me a hand that would be really great. I love my little car even though it has given me countless problems. I see it kind of as an adventure. I never know what it is going to do next. Today on the way to work one of the windshield wiper blades flew off. It was kinda funny!!! At least I don't have to say that I have a dull and boring life (or a dull and boring car for that matter) because that would definately not be true.

friends

I went out to Maple Ridge today to hang out with one of my friends. We've been friends for a really long time and when we were little we were together all the time. If we had to be away from each other for any length of time it was torture. I haven't seen her a alot for the past couple of years but now we're starting to make more of an effort to get together. In a relationship, it doesn't matter what kind, if you don't make any kind of an effort to keep it together it will eventually die. I've been doing a lot of learning the past couple years. It's been difficult but definately worth it. I couldn't have learned the things I did any other way. Any friend that builds you up is definately worth your while. And sometimes there can be times when you maybe don't like your friends very much but that to will pass. I read this thing a long time ago that says something like this: some friends are there for a season to teach you something you need to learn or to help you through a tough spot and then there are friends that are there for a lifetime. It doesn't go exactly like that but maybe you'll get the point. I have many friends that are important to me and I hope that each and every one of them are life-time friends - but if they're not that's okay too.

missing you

I was thinking today.....i know strange isn't it. Is it really possible to miss someone that you see all the time. What if they really change and you just don't feel that you know them anymore. Maybe they used to really love you and really seem to care what happens in your life and now it seems as if they don't care. Maybe they have a reason.....I'm just not sure what it is. Best friends don't just happen every day. And it kills when you feel that everything is slipping away. Maybe the word isn't "missing" but I can't think of another word to put in. It could be that I just read into things to much and my mind just gets carried away. I'm sure everything will turn out all right.....I just hate waiting. And to all you out there who think I'm talking about you......most likely I'm not. I'm just rambling.

else where

Some people I know are on vacation so they asked me to house sit for them. It's kinda nice having my own place for a little while.  I have a friend staying with me so that makes it more fun. I've never lived on my own. I think it would be exciting but it isn't going to happen any time soon. I can't support myself and go to school.  And school is more important right now. Plus, it's something that I really want to do. At first I wanted to get out on my own as soon as possible but after talking to a friend who I respect a great deal and after thinking about it a lot I decided that I would go back to school. I need to think long term. So for now I need to live with my family but it won't be forever and it really isn't that bad. It's kinda fun!!!

school

I'm just trying to figure out school right now. A few years ago I was going to school to become a teacher. As a result of a distraction I dropped out but now that distraction no longer exists and I want to go back. I shouldn't have even have dropped out in the first place. It was a stupid thing to do and I regret it but I did learn a lot. I don't want to be a teacher anymore though. I'm thinking I want to be a nurse. I want to be able to work with kids and I want to be able to work in different countries (particularily 3rd world countries). I'm really scared of needles and I'm not so hot in the math and science department but I really want this and so I know I can do it. Everyone in my life now really supports my decision so that helps. I just need to figure out student loans and the catch up courses I need to take. That is the frusterating part. I just need to trust God that if this is really what I am supposed to do he will provide what I need.

cleaned my roon

I just finished cleaning my room. It took me and my sister almost the whole day cuz we have been putting it off for way too long. I don't really mind cleaning if it isn't somthing that I have to do. When I was younger I would wake up in the morning and decide to clean my room. Then I would go downstairs for breakfast and my mom would tell me that I had to clean my room. Suddenly I wouldn't want to do it anymore. Maybe not the best attitude but at least I still did it.

just figured this out

wow!! I didn't think that this would be so easy. I don't know much about computers but I can do this. I'll get a friend to help me make it all fancy and stuff but this is good for now. I'm really big on learning new things so this should be fun.